Why do women love bad boys?

People like to share their relationship secrets with Amy Bloom. She likes to listen. Best known as the fiction writer
behind Love Invents Us and Come to Me, she's also been a therapist for 25 years. After book readings, fans linger to ask age-old questions about love. More often than not, she has the answers. Here she talks about everything from rogue boyfriends and the allure of ex-lovers to why there are so many smart single women over 30.

What do women see in bad guys?

Their own reluctance to take risks in their own lives. Since they are not prepared to be agents in their own lives, they find it very attractive when they find men out there who are prepared to take risks and have adventures and encourage the women, in fact, to be bad themselves. That's a great deal of the appeal of a bad guy. With the bad guy, even if you're bad, you're still better than he is. And that's very attractive.

The other thing is that bad guys often have more fun. And they show you more fun. They like their lives. There's something attractive about a certain kind of energy and self-confidence. And if you can find that in a nice guy, you usually marry him. If you find it in a bad boy, then you usually sleep with him.

Is it a good idea to marry a bad boy? Why would you marry a bad boy? It's like marrying a pit bull. They are great for what they are, but I can't imagine why you would marry one. By definition, a bad boy is a bad husband.

You say most people don't get good at relationships until they're over 40. Why? People take a long time to get smart about everything. The areas in which we have prodigies are usually math and music. And those are the only two areas in which people produce most of their great work before they're 30. So it's no surprise that if you're a reasonably intelligent person and you're paying attention, then you might make a better choice when you're older than when you're younger.

What are some common mistakes?

If you look to the right of you and you look to the left of you, you will see people who make mistakes in their relationships, and all you have to do is pay attention.

Mainly, I think people are afraid. Most of all, people afraid of being alone. And so they tend to settle for partners whom, if they were looking for friends, those people wouldn't even make it onto the short list.

And, unless you want to live with a selfish and immature man, it's a mistake to marry one. When men specifically say to women things like, 'That's just the way I am' or 'I'm really a little boy' or 'I have a lot of trouble committing,' they're not kidding. They're doing their best to let you know what you're getting. And if you disregard those statements or think that they are sort of attractive and self-deprecating remarks, you're just being stupid. They're telling you what they're like and unless you want to be married to somebody who is like that, you shouldn't do it.

People often return to ex-lovers in your fiction, sometimes 15 years after the breakup. Why? We all like what is comfortable. Why do women dislike their fathers and marry husbands just like their fathers? Or why do men complain about their mothers and marry women just like them? It's because we are attracted to what is comfortable. Even if it's bad, even if it's painful, it is still familiar and therefore reassuring.

I also think that, in most of our relationships, there's unfinished business. That's true in friendships. That's true with parent and child. It's certainly true with couples. There's always something. I would assume that if you held onto a relationship over many, many years, it's because it was very special to you. Something happened to you in that relationship and you haven't had that experience elsewhere.

What do young women see in older men? We see these relationships often in your fiction. Women of any age are encouraged to go out with men who are taller, smarter, stronger and richer. If you are 20 and the guy is 35, and he's in good physical shape, then he is just likely to be that much wealthier and that much more sophisticated.

I'm not suggesting that these relationships are necessarily a good idea, but they're certainly an understandable conclusion to a social arrangement that we have between men and women, which is he brings power and money to the table, and you bring attractiveness and pliancy.

Why don't we see lots of older women going after younger men?

The dynamic in our society is not that she brings the power and the money. The dynamic is that he does. So those relationships tend to be somewhat more unusual. I think there can be a great deal in these relationships, but it's less common because it reverses our social pattern. It's not hard to understand what somebody finds attractive about youth. Young people are beautiful. They've got great skin and lots of energy and tremendous enthusiasm for the world. What's not to like? Youth is attractive, whether it's female or male.

Why are there so many smart single women over the age of 30? I suspect that's because, among other things, men have a larger pool of bridal candidates to choose from. Guys can certainly, without raising anybody's eyebrows, marry somebody up to five years older than they are. They can also marry somebody up to 15 years younger than they are without anybody batting an eye. Which means their pool of marriageable candidates is much greater than women's.

Do women narrow the pool by insisting their mates be richer, taller or whatever? Right. Women are instructed to marry somebody who is as educated or more, makes as much money or more, and is as tall as they are or taller. That's a much smaller group than men, who can marry somebody who makes as much money or less or more; who is shorter or the same height; who has the same education or a bit more, or quite a bit less. The field is much bigger for guys.

The other reason is that, in our society, we raise far more nice women than we do nice men. We train girls to get along with others, to be considerate, to pay attention to emotional nuances, to be concerned about how other people feel, and to be supportive. We don't train men to do that. Men who don't do that are not considered failures; they're considered normal.

What advice can you give smart women who intimidate men? It depends on what she intimidates them for. If they're intimidated because she's smart, then she needs to date smarter men. If they're intimidated because she's nasty to them, then she needs to get over her anger with men or start sleeping with women. There's no reason to try to make a life with someone you don't like.

How important is sex to a good relationship? Sex is very important as a base. It's a mistake to try to make a marriage with someone with whom you don't feel any passion. Which isn't to say that when you're 80 years old, you're going to be having wild sex in the bathrooms of hotels. But, nevertheless, a lot of intimacy grows out of sexual contact. It's a way of resolving things. It's a way of communicating. It's a way of being close that isn't always verbal. It offers people a lot of support, even if it becomes a less central part of life later on. But we're talking about much later on. If you don't have an active sex life when you're 50 or 60, that's because one of you is a bad sexual partner and the other person doesn't want to talk about it. It's not because you're too old. Barring illness and disability, I mean.

Women often compromise in relationships. When does this get out of hand? When you're married to someone who won't meet you halfway. When you're prepared to do most of the work, because you wish to preserve the relationship and you haven't bothered to say to yourself, 'Why do I wish to preserve this relationship?'

Women often shoulder a large part of the emotional burden, but that's because they are afraid to insist that their partners pick up their share for fear of finding out that the guys cannot, that they simply don't have the emotional resources todo the work of having a good relationship. The women don't want to know that, and so they don't ask.

Isn't the woman afraid that her lover will simply find somebody less demanding? Fine. Then let somebody else have him by all means.

Any advice for people who can't seem to get this relationship thing right? In a spouse, look for what you would look for in a friend, plus sexual attractiveness. Loyalty, trust, sense of humor, kindness. Commitment to the friendship. Positive feelings toward you. Those are things that we actually expect in our friends, and those things are important. You want them in a spouse, plus you want a strong sexual connection. You want somebody who makes your heart beat faster.